Because sometimes you are the toxic one…

Stones,

Day 3046 of the Covid19 quarantine: I bought a stuffy. Her name is Elle. She is my only friend.

No seriously though, I hope everyone is being safe, social distancing, masks and all that. I am considered essential so yeah, no break for me. Which is fine because when I’m working thousands of ideas run through my mind.

Some call it ADD, I call it inspiration.

So people can suck. People can be cruel and evil and just plain mean. Hurt people hurt people, this we know. Toxic people are detrimental to the health of those around them.

What happens when that person is you?

Now lower the pitchforks and torches and hear me out.

I am not suggesting that everyone who is toxic is malicious. I’m simply stating that everyone deals with traumas in their own ways. Everyone has been through things and has suffered because let’s be honest, life sucks. Although everyone’s pain is valid, the way we react to trauma can be problematic. It’s not logical to hurt someone because you are hurting. Most people don’t plan on. The issue comes to play when people act as if their pain is bigger and more traumatic or matters more than another person.

We as people don’t get to quantify trauma. It’s not possible and it’s unfair. We also don’t get to mentally and emotionally bleed everywhere. That is misplaced aggression and anger and is also unacceptable. There needs to be a balance between the validation of feelings and respect for others. No trauma trumps any others because we are all different and the same trauma could impact everyone differently.

So my call to action is…

Reevaluate your relationships. Reevaluate your positions in the lives of others. If you find that you are the toxic one, be aware of that. Make a conscious effort to get help to change it.

There was a person in my life that I miss very much. We ended horribly because of me and my actions. I may never get to repair said relationship because of my past traumas that leaked into unaccountability. That’s on me for not healing.

Being aware of you crap and fixing your cap are two very different things.

Until Next We Meet,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless Here

Because sometimes forgiveness isn’t a requirement…

Stones,

 

Happy Sunday. I am sending vibes to everyone that they are able to reset for the week ahead, accomplish all they want, and become one step closer to self-actualization. Maslow may have been on to something.

So the topic of the day: Forgiveness. This is a very difficult topic to approach because I feel like there are so many stipulations and conditions when it comes to forgiveness. This begs the question, what is true forgiveness?

According to Dictionary.com, to forgive means to,

“stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake”

-Dictionary.com

To keep this post short I will not bother defining “angry”, “resentful” “offense” “flaw” and “mistake”. Another reason is that everyone’s trauma is different and words have different meanings to different people. So I guess the next question would be “Is there such thing as an unforgivable offense?” I personally believe there are many, but before I get into those I have to address the fundamental issue I have with the whole idea of forgiveness.

Society has been conditioned to believe that forgiveness is not for the offender but for the offendee, that if the person who was hurt forgives the person who did the hurting then all will be right with the world. Their chi will be realigned, cosmic karma forgiven and all will be at peace. Here is where the issue comes in; forgiveness doesn’t guarantee that the pain will stop. Forgiveness doesn’t take away the scars, both physical and or emotional. Forgiveness does nothing to take away the pain that they cause. Forgiveness is a misconstrued belief that letting go of anger will somehow erase the pain and makes you the “bigger person”.

This begs the question, “What is the bigger person?”. I think a more important question would be why do the people who hurt you deserve to be pardoned under the guise that it will somehow eliminate the pain. Why do they deserve grace? I’m sure that holding onto vengeful hatred for minor offenses can be tiring but who is anyone to decide if they are “minor” or not? People don’t get to decide what hurts you and what doesn’t. Your pain is valid and your pain is real.

This brings me to my next point, not everyone deserves forgiveness. Some crimes only the God of your understanding can forgive and even that’s too generous for some. Offenders are not entitled to your forgiveness, they aren’t entitled to forgiveness. If you should decide to let go of all the “anger” and “resentment” that is at your discretion and your choice. You don’t have to be forced to relinquish any feelings that you hold at all. Your feelings are yours. Your feelings are valid. They matter and so do you. Choosing to forgive your brother after he said a mean thing to you is just as much your choice as refusing to forgive him. Refusing to forgive your abuser doesn’t make you any less of a “bigger person” then acting as if they don’t exist.

My call to action

Refuse to enable toxic people. The people who hurt you are not owed anything, forgiveness included. If you should choose to forgive someone, more power to you. Do not let your grace be taken for granted. That’s all for now.

Exist and Bleed,

S. Hollisway