Because sometimes moms matter…

Stones,

For anyone that is a mother, have you ever been told it’s not about you anymore? Have you been told that it’s all about the baby or the children come first? That your time is over?

Well, let me be the first (or second) to tell you that that is a big steaming pile of crap.

Hear me out!

If you think about it, a child’s first connection is with her mother. They help form their view of the world. So how can you expect them to take care of a child when they aren’t taking care of themselves. You can’t pour from an empty cup. I know I use that saying a lot because it’s true. I have a lot of experience draining myself for the sake of other people.

I remember when I had my son. I was already diagnosed with mental health issues and couldn’t take my medication for 9 months. I was depressed I was suicidal and for most of my pregnancy, I was alone. I was barely coping or keeping it together. I got into a situation with CPS and I couldn’t be with my baby for 11 days. Everyone expected me to be a robot until this situation was over. I wasn’t allowed to go through postpartum or go see a doctor’s determination on what meds I could safely breastfeed on. No one cared. My son became more important.

That’s not to say that he wasn’t important. Of course, he was important. He was and still is the most important person in my life. But how could I be trusted to take care of my son when I didn’t have the time or resources to take care of myself. People are so quick to pick the flower and forget about the roots. Here are some quick statistics for you:

Did you know…

Approximately 70% to 80% will experience, at a minimum, the ‘baby blues’. Many of these women will experience the more severe condition of postpartum depression or a related condition.

The reported rate of clinical postpartum depression among new mothers is between 10% to 20%.

One recent study found that 1 in 7 women may experience PPD in the year after giving birth. With approximately 4 million live births occurring each year in the United States, this equates to almost 600,000 postpartum depression diagnoses.

https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/statistics/

I do encourage you to finish the article in its entirety because it does include a lot of helpful information. I also want to inform you that this article was written early in 2019 so can you imagine how those numbers have grown? I can say from personal experience that the mental health field isn’t competent or compassionate towards women. Not all of them mind you, but I’ve encountered enough of them. One time I had a doctor suggest taking Lithium because there was a 1 in 5 chance my firstborn child would be stillborn or serious birth defects. A 20 percent chance was okay with him.

I say all of that to say this. Of course children matter but mama’s matter too. There is no more or less here because I feel as though they are equal. We worry so much about our children, but we need to make sure their moms are okay too.

Until Next we meet,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes “No” is necessary…

Stones,

“No” is a full sentence. Use it.”

-Amy Landino

I have a confession to make: I am a people pleaser.

It has been lessened as I grew older but the tendency is still there. This wonderful tendency results in me putting myself into some very interesting situations.

This makes saying “No” very difficult for me. I always feel like my “No’s” warrant an explanation. But in reality, they don’t. None do.

“No” does not require validation and your reasons are your own. In fact, “No” is essential to mental health.

Think about it. How many times have we spread ourselves paper-thin for fear of using “No” that we couldn’t take on any more? How many times have we been taken advantage of or sacrificed our sanity for the sake of doing more for others that we don’t have the time for ourselves?

You can not pour from an empty cup!

You can not give what you don’t have.

I like to remind myself of this before I put myself in these situations. I like to think that it will make saying “No” easier. Sometimes it does, sometimes I lose the battle. I tend to think in extremes, like black and white thinking. I think that “No” is for extreme cases but the little things matter too.

My recent encounter when I should have used the word “No” early on was on a date that I had. Nothing illegal happened but I definitely should have said no earlier. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I shouldn’t have sacrificed my comfort for his feelings.

You don’t have to spent emotionally or physically to use your “No”. The little “No’s” help build up the confidence for situations that require the big “No”. Then there are no people taking advantage of you and no way to be hurt.

Well, that’s the theory. In a perfect world that’s how pain would end. People wouldn’t be afraid to be vulnerable because when someone would step on a boundary a quick “No” would either end a relationship or the relationship would blossom into a healthy tree of respect. What an easy life that would be.

Until next we meet,

S. Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

The video I got the quote from. Check out the other 34 tips. This video is not sponsored in any way, shape, or form. I am not affiliated with her in anyway, just a fan.

Because sometimes I wonder…

Stones,

I wonder

What makes a person good? What makes a person bad? I personally don’t believe people are good or bad, but multifaceted. Everyone can have “good” and “bad” traits but people are made up of so much more than that.

There are strengths, weaknesses, fears, defenses, intelligence, people are made up of so much. I suppose it would be remiss not to mention what has planted in my head.

I know a man who has an interesting temperament. To those who he deems worthy he is a very protective, compassionate, and respectful human being you would ever meet. Society tells us to offer respect to everyone we meet, especially if they are people of authority. He does neither. If you aren’t worthy of respect to him, you won’t get it. He is very skeptical of others’ intentions, especially to the people he loves. So clearly, he needs therapy.

Kidding of course, because who am I to judge? Although I do advocate for therapy for everyone.

However, when discussing his behavior with another friend of mine, she mentioned that his behavior sent up a bunch of “red flags”. She deemed him “bad news” because his behavior was irregular to her. This got me thinking.

Is he bad because his behavior is not what society deems acceptable or is he actually bad? If he’s respectful or caring to those that matter to him and not to others, is that bad? Is he all bad? Is it bad not to indulge in societal pleasantries that are just facades that we all play into? Are we only bad when we don’t do what society wants to do?

I have bounced back and forth for the last few days. I’m thinking that there has to be a happy middle ground. Blatant disregard for human life is worrisome. It’s actually one of the hallmarks of a psychopath. But defending, loving, and protecting whom and what they love fiercely and with their lives is on the opposite end of the spectrum. So while not psychopathic there is a potential for some kind of personality disorder there. Moreover, if it’s not considered breaking a law, (and lawful doesn’t always mean moral so that depends), then there is nothing wrong with not conforming to society’s norms. It might make people uncomfortable, but who’s to say the norms shouldn’t be shaken up?

So here is my call to action…

Can you distinguish between psychopathic tendencies and a breaker of societal norms? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Until next we meet,

S.Hollisway