Because sometimes purging is necessary…..

Stones,

I do apologize for the hiatus. The surgery took more of a toll on me then I had hoped.  It makes it very difficult to post once a week. Hopefully, I am back now for good with the regularly scheduled post on Wednesday. I also unintentionally blocked most of my post which I was not aware of. Thankfully, I fixed that.   I wish I had known that earlier, it’s been like that for weeks now. It’s so frustrating.

Okay, so you know the phrase, “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”? Well, after a recent experience I highly doubt that.  I went out of my way to help someone and got nothing but turmoil and heartache in return. Worst of all, I have to shell out money to fix a door I didn’t break.  But let me start from the beginning.

My “Good Deed”

So, I reached out to an old friend who was having a rough time. Let’s call her…Bella. Bella expressed that she was in a dark place and was suicidal and couldn’t find her will to live.  Of course, because Bella and I were close once, I was very concerned. She expressed that she had no one to help and that she alone and had devised a plan to end her life.

For those that have been with me for some time, you know my history with mental illness so (before all my post got blocked) and the last thing I wanted was to lose another friend to mental illness.  I suggested that since her living situation was so subpar and she was so alone that I had an extra bedroom and perhaps she’d like to stay with me on a temporary basis (HUGE MISTAKE NUMBER 1).  She didn’t know what to say and doubted the genuineness of my offer. Looking back, I shouldn’t have pressed the issue. A couple of days later she agreed. After talking over the next few days, I found out that she was having serious money troubles (Red Flag Number 1). I told her not to worry and that we would help her get on her feet. (HUGE MISTAKE NUMBER 2).

So, we are talking over the next few days and steadily making plans she tells me that she has absolutely no one in her corner ( Red Flag Number 2).  A therapist once told me that when people are in exile there is typically a reason. I should have asked more questions.

So we reach the day she is scheduled to come and she does.  Things are great…the first night. I make chili, everyone eats themselves silly. We talk and laugh and Bella and my fiance get to know each other. Everything is great, we talk about each other’s triggers. She said that she was still nervous and then I told her I wanted her to be comfortable. I told her to make herself comfortable (GIANORMOUS AND FATAL MISTAKE NUMBER 3).  So we had rearranged the house for her. We gave her my sons’ room because he’s only 1 and he sleeps with us most nights anyway. We brought her a blow-up mattress and new sheets and blankets, the whole nine yards. She had her own space that she quickly made her own and she had that space to be comfortable as she wanted. What could possibly wrong?

The Demise

The next morning, I woke up to my entire kitchen rearranged. Cabinets were reorganized, food was moved around and thrown away, tables were reorganized and all without permission. It was chaos. My fiancee has OCD and likes things a certain way and Bella also had OCD and wanted things her way.  There is nothing wrong with compromise but as a guest, you would think it needed to be discussed first with the owners!  Things went downhill from there. She made unsolicited “suggestions” about our parenting style, was wasteful with food and toiletries, and interjected herself into our private disagreements.

You have three adults with mental illness living in one house, there are bound to be disagreements but this was unbearable.  They argued over everything; tobacco, coffee, my son, our relationship, her being the oldest,  everything! They got into an argument so bad, it resulted in the door being broken! It was just terrible. Then, the pettiness started. Things were hidden, things were stolen, and kept in rooms. Things got pretty bad and I didn’t know what to do.

Then one day, like magic she found another place to live. She said she couldn’t do it anymore and someone had offered her a house to live in. I was relieved and asked when she was leaving. She said she would let me know. She promised she wouldn’t leave without saying something. That same day, I had a health scare and had to go to the hospital. I got back and she was gone. She took all her belongings, plus the bed we bought, and for some reason, I’m sure just to be petty she took all the sugar and all the creamer.

The lesson learned

I’m not playing the victim. This was my fault. I made a snap decision and made a rash judgment.  The good is, we don’t speak anymore. I purged her from my life and my world and she doesn’t exist to me anymore. She was toxic, always played the victim. It got old really quickly. But again my fault. Sometimes purging people is necessary. Purging all the toxicity out of your life should be a daily practice. It could save you a lot of drama and theft.

I hope you enjoyed story time. Until next we meet.

Bleed and Exist,

S. Hollisway

Pick up Scarred and Faceless Here

Storytelling is important sometimes because…

Stones,

I feel as though storytelling is for the masses.  Certain stories just have a way of resonating with people in a way that benefits them. This is not a happy story.  It doesn’t have a happy ending. It has an ending that is typical because life is typical. Although every story is unique, no story is special in the sense of tragedies. Everyone goes through them. Everyone suffers.

“Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”

-Narrorator of 1000 Ways to Die

Being homeless in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania was an adventure, to say the least. I wouldn’t dare use any word synonymous with “enjoyable” nor would I recommend this experience to anyone. It’s almost like going to prison, an experience you would exchange for just about else.

I was one of the lucky ones. I never completely got engrossed in the lifestyle. I had a job, had meager funds to buy things, and wasn’t active in my drug addiction  (over 2 years clean and sober!)

There’s so much to know about being homeless. So many unspoken rules to follow. So many secrets you need to know.

Like I mention before, I had a job.  So I’d wake up, go to work and endure the nonsense of earning a paycheck. I loved my job. It was a break from all the craziness and the politics of being outside.

On days, when I didn’t work, I’d go to the local homeless shelter where you could sleep and eat lunch a noon.  It was like being in school. There were rules that had to be followed and monitored very carefully by staff. There were all sorts of things you could do there. Like take a shower, get clean clothes, get mail, get your hair cut, it was a homeless paradise.  There was also tones of trouble you could get into to, so they kicked us out at.

Then it was back to killing time til Dinner time.

There were always people coming to feed the homeless. Some people were forced to but the majority were just decent people. They’d bring huge spreads with a variety of foods for us too. Granted with the amount of us it wouldn’t last but it was, it was still delicious. After dinner, all there was left to do was kill time until nightfall. And nightfall was when all the drama began.

Nightfall was when the drugs and alcohol came out. It was when all the drama started. There was no shelter to it. The best you could do was stay out of it.  It helped to stay with people who had a sense of immunity to it. Or at least people who favored you enough to keep you out of it. I was lucky.  I ran with people who had jobs as well. People who could separate themselves from the drama. People who took care of themselves. When you are homeless, it’s important to remember to put yourself first and not get absorbed into the world around you.  Always remember, that you don’t want to make this temporary situation a permanent one.

Mine was temporary. After about 3 months, my father invited me to stay with him. Things worked out for a while, but not permanently. My point is every situation, however good or bad is not permanent. Things change in the blink of an eye. Stay ready, and be prepared.

Until next we meet

Breath and Exist,

S. Hollisway

Pick up Scarred and Faceless Here

Because sometimes Odes are due….(Part 1)

Stones,

This is a poem I wrote for my son.

Until next we meet

Bleed and Exist,

S.Hollisway

Ode to Mommy’s Monster
For you, I’ll face a thousand demons
Battle any inconvenience
Rip apart
Every wound and scar
Because it’s you that owns Mommy’s heart
And I hate to see you cry
It rips me in two
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To shield you from my regrets and mistakes
Because the path you’ll take
Is filled with your own
I wish I would guard you against them
But that’s a battle you’ll never face alone
So I say
Be brave
And keep that smile upon your brilliant face
You’ve always made mommy proud
Without trying
And Now
It’s time for Mommy to return the favor
And join you
For Mommy knows you were born for greatness
But Mommy can’t set the path for you
It’s for you to choose
To be a champion in your own right
Painful it might
Be
But for me
I’m proudest when watching you fly
And when you’re designing your blueprint at night
With your dreams
Not mine
To My Child
With a mile long smile
I, your mommy
Will always be proud

 

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes self-care is needed…

Stones,

Pardon my may absences. Life is a bit overwhelming.  When things get rough I tend to push harder to try and get past it. The harder I try to push past this pain the worse things seem to get and it only once I am stumbling and rocking back and forth on the breaking point that I start to question my methods.

Why is it that self-care is always last on our list, even when we’re staring at the barrel of uncertainty and exhaustion? Why is it that we are last on our list of things to take care of? We give precedence to everything but ourselves. Why is that? What makes us put ourselves on the back burner?

When our car starts to go wrong we give it the once over to see what the source of the problem. When things are going rough in our lives we never give ourselves the once over. At least, I know I don’t. We as a whole, need to start taking better care of ourselves. We need to put ourselves first and take care of ourselves. Again, I know I do.

Here are self-care tips that I use when I feel burn out.

  1. Stop! I stop everything that I’m doing and take inventory as to how I’m feeling.
  2. Take a walk. I get moving and try to get outside to clear my head.
  3. Hug someone. Surround yourselves with those who love you and soak all of it in. Lean on each other.
  4. Journal. I write out my feelings that I dare not speak to anyone else. I get them out of my soul.
  5. Hydrate. The body functions better when it’s well hydrated.
  6. Listen to music. Listen to songs to life your mood or that will help the bad ones wash over you and then dissipate into nothingness.
  7. Bathe. Long hot showers and baths can work wonders on a wounded soul
  8. Exercise. I sweat out the anxiety and the bad feelings. I relish the rush of endorphins.
  9. Meditate. I try to focus on 10 minutes a day on my breathe. Longer on really bad days.
  10. Logic. I know that these feelings are only temporary and they can’t and don’t last forever.

I hope everything is okay with all of you. I hope you remember to always check in with yourself. Remember, YOU MATTER. The world is more beautiful with you in it.

Until we meet again stones,

Bleed and Exist

S. Hollisway

Broken Hearted Girl Chronicles Part 1

Stones,

So much has been going on lately. I’ve been absent, indifferent, and unmotivated. But just recently I was hit with a spark of inspiration and post a poem that’s been eating away at me for a while. It’s been so long since I’ve written anything. Let me know what you think.

 

Not My Place

It’s not my place

To ask you to stay

I mean

What can I really say?

Fact is

I’m not your actual kid

And what you did

And have already done

Is more than enough

A battle you’ve won

That wasn’t yours to fight

What she’s doing isn’t right

And it’s your right

To walk away

But I’m pleading with you

Dad
Please Stay

 

Until we speak again

Bleed and exist,

S. Hollisway

 

 

 

 

Because sometimes explanations are owed+ Updates+Contest

Stones,

 

Well, it’s been quite a while since we last spoke. Things have been…predictably yet unpredictably insane. I’d have to put it into a book to fully explain the insanity in full. Actually, it would take quite a few books to capture it in its entirety.

But I digress…

But blogging makes me happy and in an effort to focus on things that make me happy, I will continue to blog on a more regular basis. I want to start blogging every  Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I did finally learn you can schedule posts, so I can post things and decided when they are posted which is cool.

So here is what’s been happening that I can tell you about.

I am working toward starting a business, and I’m working on two new projects at the moment scheduled for release early next year. I am also currently hosting a contest for the book trailer for Scarred and Faceless.

If you haven’t picked up this Gem up, just click the link above.

So, the CONTEST…

I want to do the book trailer with the voices of people reading the poems from the book. There would be 13 winners, one for each poem of the book. The winners will be featured in the trailer and will receive a free copy of my upcoming book, “Taystee Jones: Undercover Lover.”

Here’s how to enter:

  1. Must follow my twitter and like my facebook page, S.Hollisway
  2. Must be over the age of 18
  3. Must send audio file to Shollisway@gmail.com
  4. Must label audio file the following: First and Last Initial_Title of Poem i.e SH_Bully
  5. Must sign waiver giving permission to use voice
  6. Must have fun

I think that’s it for today folks.

Until next we meet Stones

Bleed and Exist,

S. Hollisway

Because sometimes it’s too much….

Stones,

Let’s admit it, as exciting as life can be it’s exhausting. Good times or bad, life has a way of draining the life out of us. It’s inevitable, so what can we do to ease the pain? We could commit ourselves to institution for safe keeping, (ill advised). We could live recklessly embracing life with no worry of tomorrow, (also ill advised). Or we could do something even scarier, live for ourselves.

I know we all may be thinking that we do live for ourselves already, but stop and think. When we sign up for that extra math class we hate or eat that salad instead of steak or use the fat free low calorie yogurt instead of the regular kind, who are we living for? Are we happy with our decisions?

We know our families and friends mean well but the best thing about advice is it’s like a buffet, we can take what we need and leave the rest at the table. They may mean well but we know ourselves. We know what we need and what will make us happy. And what won’t.

If the issue is deeper, like someone said something years ago that hurts you and changed your perspective on things. For example, someone said you don’t look good in yellow so you always stick to black. Or someone made a “harmless” comment about your weight that you haven’t healed from. Things like that are difficult to get over because the little seeds of hatred and self doubt start to grow roots. The rooms take him hold and grow into withering plants of self hatred. I know that it can get hard to get rid of. But right here right now, it’s time to let go.

Sounds impossible right, imagine this: Imagine going to that plant everyday and digging off one root up each day. Just one. One root. Imagine the roots don’t grow back after being pulled. Now if you did this every day, soon the plant would be powerless. That’s what we should do. Debulk one myth everyday. This myth could be one we’ve been told or one we tell ourselves. I say “myth” because although they feel like truths clingling to our skins, they aren’t.

I’m ugly. I’m fat. I’m not good enough.

So what will be your new truth? Will you debulk your plant of doubt?

Until next we meet

Bleed and Exist,

S. Hollisway

Be sure to pick up your copy of Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes being selfish is okay….

Stones,

Would you describe yourself as selfish? How many times have you been called selfish? What was the immediate reaction, to defend yourself? Why?

Who says being selfish is a bad thing? I’m not convinced. See, the definition of selfish is *”concerned chiefly with one’s own profit or pleasure”. So, what’s wrong with that?

Admittedly, being over selfish is not good, much like everything else in life in excess. But being concerned with one’s own pleasure isn’t called being selfish. It’s called self preservation.

Taking time to do self care isn’t selfish. Taking to time to rejuvenate isn’t selfish. Replenishing and putting onself first to keep going the next day isn’t selfish. Running out of a burning building before everyone else isn’t selfish. And if it is, then be a bit more selfish.

Be selfish with your time. Be selfish with your energy. Be selfish with tears. Be selfish with emotions. Be okay before giving to anyone else. Be selfish for your own well being. Be selfish and save yourself, then the rest of the world.

Until we meet again

Bleed and Exist,

S. Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes business meetings are everyday….

Stones,

This morning I woke up with the fear of presenting a business plan to a bank for a loan for a business venture. I woke up early, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and twisted out my hair. In the process of all the hair fluffing and talking myself up in the mirror, I began thought about what outfit would make me feel the most confident. I picked a black dress with grey accents with pockets because a dress with pockets is the gift that keeps giving. Suddenly, I got a phone call rescheduling my meeting. It felt like someone had deflated my balloon and emptied my bucket.

I plopped down on the bed disappointed. I had done all these things to make myself feel beautiful and confident and it had gone to waste. Although, it really had not.

I felt very good about my appearance and the way I looked. I got up early enough to not rush and could pick out my look for the day. I had enough time to recite my affirmations to build and inner glow I took with me all day. I got dressed and had a much more productive day.

I say all that, to say this. If you or I or everyone woke up every morning like it they were preparing for a business meeting, there may be a change in mindset. Not a business meeting you are frazzled and stressed out about, but one you are prepared for. One that you own and fills your stomach with butterflies of happiness and excitement. Dress for a business meeting everyday. Then go out and make yourself proud.

Until next we meet

Bleed and Exist,

S. Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes life happens so fast….

Stones,

It’s been a very long time since we’ve had the chance to talk.  So much has happened since September.  I will try to fill you end without writing a novel in the process.

Well first of all, I was homeless. Less of the “couch bouncing” homeless and more of the flat out “sleeping on the streets, in tents” type of homeless. It was quite the experience. Let me tell you. Most people would assume that the homeless only had to worry about the elements. This is sadly untrue. A lot of people would also assume that most of the homeless are homeless through pure fault of themselves, or that they were all addicts who lost everything due to addiction and live that way to stay in their addiction. This is again false.

Most of the homeless are a very caring group of people. It’s like a family. They may have nothing, but if you’re in need, they will break their nothing in half and give it to you. Of course there are little spats now and then but at the end of the day,  they are family. However, with everything else in the world, there is a dark side. Being homeless can be like, being on an episode of “The Walking Dead”. As dangerous as everything else is, the other people are the most dangerous. In the end, it’s survival on it’s most basic and instinctual level. Some are cruel, conniving, angry, hateful people who will do anything to get a head. Sometimes not even to get ahead, just for the sake of doing it.

So, there was that.

Then, my father couldn’t take it anymore and asked me to move in with him and my mother. I did. It’s been a roller coaster here. My relationship hasn’t gotten any better. If at all possible, it’s gotten worse, along with the majority of my other family.  So, that has been wonderful. (My father has made a few other appearances in blogs —–> Dad’s feature Blog . He’s a reoccurring character. )

But the most amazing thing happened. I got a chance to write. I’m in therapy and I have medication with a pretty solid diagnosis. But I got to write. I’ve gotten a chance to pull out a little piece of me, stitch it together, and offer it up for people to view. It is absolutely terrifying but, if I didn’t do it now it was never going to get done. There is no “Perfect Time”.  Not to publish a book. Not to get married. And definitely not to have a kid. Just dive in head first and make sure you look good doing it.

Oh, and I started school. Yes, you are reading from an author/soon to by psychologist. So I will get back on a schedule with posting here. I’m also going to be redesigning the entire blog so that should be nice.  So much is going on and so much more is going to happen.

Ever wish time would just stop for a second, just a chance to catch to catch your breath? Me too. Unfortunately, I think this may be my only chance for a while,

Until we meet again stones,

Make a real connection with someone

Change someone’s life for the better

Forgive to heal your soul

Watch the world implode with a drink and a friend

Be Brave

Bleed and Exist,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

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