Because sometimes if it walks like a duck…

Stones,

Life in the United States at this time is distressing. Every time you turn on the News on log on to the internet there is something sickening going on. The issue we face now is that the line has clearly been drawn in the sand. There is no straddling the fence, you have to pick aside. Whichever side you choose, there is something that needs to be discussed.

Breonna Taylor

I honestly still don’t understand how this is controversial. I know there are typically grey areas in all things but this everything is perfectly clear. She was murdered. She was murdered in cold blood and due to incompetence. It’s sad, infuriating, exasperating, sickening, and almost confusing as to why her murders have not been jailed yet. Had Brett Hankison, Jon Mattingly, and Myles Cosgrove “accidentally” killed a white woman, the police coverage would have been extensive. Let’s be honest, had Breonna Taylor or her boyfriend Kenneth Walker been white, this situation would not have happened in the first place. Did I happen to mention that the people they were supposedly looking for in the first place were in custody? Yeah, nothing about this case makes sense.

I’m not a prosecutor though so it’s not my job to render a decision on who is guilty or not. I am but a lowly spectator watching the madness unfold. However, I do believe that we can no longer depend on the police to protect us. They have shown us time and time again that blue only protects the blue. And before anyone tries to defend #NotAllCops think for a second. If there are “good cops” then they would stop at nothing to discard the bad cops. But we all know from the George Floyd situation that that is not the case. People don’t like to make waves, the bystander effect exist, and mob mentality is a huge problem.

We need to keep the focus on getting her justice. We shouldn’t let the fire die down because as we can see once news coverage dies down everything is swept under the rug. Derek Chauvin wasn’t indicted with the murder of George Floyd. Kenneth Walker was freed but now that coverage has died down, nothing became of it. He got indicted for tax evasion before the murder of a human being. This cannot continue. We have to let our government know that we will not be silent. That we will let our voices be heard.

My Call to Action…

Keep the conversation going. Do not stop until real progress is made outside of the media. Make people care. Make people listen. Dismantle the system. Starting with Breonna Taylor.

Call 502.595.2300 and ask (demand) that they arrest the cops, Brett Hankison, Jonathan Mattingly, and Miles Cosgrove, who killed Breonna Taylor.

Until Next We Meet,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes feelings are facts and ties need to be cut…

This simply a post about how to end normal toxic relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship I full heartedly urge you to get out now. Call the hotline and get the help you need to get out.

1−800−799−7233

Sinceraly, Me.

Stones,

When do ties need to be cut? Who decides when enough is enough? Who does the cutting of ties? Where are the scissors? Can I get a pair, please?

All jokes aside, when does it become obviously apparent that ties need to be severed? Humans are social creatures we were not made to isolate or be alone. We crave human interactions and to form attachments and bonds with others. Very rarely can people sever attachments with ease, swiftly, without looking back. I’d kill to have that superpower.

Gift or curse, I’d love to have the ability to sever ties in one swift chop and be able to leave it lay. But unfortunately, I’m one to cut ties and the go back and try to reassemble them. Even those relationships that are one-sided. Even those relationships that are toxic. Even those relationships that are detrimental to you and everyone around you. I still try to retie them.

I have this, unfortunate characteristic of being loyal to a fault. I’d like to say it’s a gift but most times it a curse. I am extremely loyal to people who don’t deserve it. I also will give my heart to people I feel do deserve it. I don’t exactly form the healthiest attachments. I am a tad codependent and I definitely overextend and lend myself to anyone who shows anything resembling altruistic kindness. If you can identify with any of these things, I’d be willing to bet my most valuable possession that you’ve experienced this need to repair these toxic relationships under the guise of “closure”.

I say all of that, to say this.

What does it take for you to end a toxic relationship and walk away? Some may feel as though it’s wrong to desert those we’ve known for so long, toxic or not. At some point we do need to consider ourselves before society’s conventional belief of not giving up on family, not abandoning someone who is suffering no matter the pain, or the “Ride or Die” trap.

My call to action is this…

Examine any relationship that is draining more times than not. A relationship you almost dread to engage in. The one that has you thinking right now that it’s, “Not all bad” or that you instinctively feel compelled to defend without reading the rest of the call to action. I want you to really examine the feelings you get at the mere mention of this persons’ name. Recount all the words that still sting, the psychological scarring, the torment done to your very being. Now imagine your dearest friend came to you, with everything that has been done to you, to them. What would you suggest they do?

Until next we meet,

S. Hollisway

Because sometimes we need to keep breathing…

Stones,

So I took a brief hiatus to take a breather. I use the term “brief” very loosely because I haven’t written the whole month of September and it’s almost over. Burn out is no joke and writer’s block is a killer condition. Burnout is the killer of dreams.

I’ve been in love with writing for as long as I can remember but burnout and imposter syndrome have stopped my progress like clockwork. I know that burnout doesn’t apply to just creatives. I can only imagine how many doctors and lawyers feel like trying to save the world is hopeless. I encourage you to keep going, creatives, professionals, and all those in between. It’ll all pay off in the end.

While we are on that note.

Fall is rapidly approaching. September 22nd marks my favorite time of year; hoodies, jeans, boots, and soup and bread for every meal. As much as this my favorite time of year, for others it is a nightmare. It can be a very SAD time.

For those who are unaware, Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD is a very common disorder that affects countless people all over the world. Seasonal Affective Disorder is “a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer.” (Mayoclinic.org).

Although studies have proven that the belief that suicides spike during the holidays is a common misconception, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real condition that plagues many during the holiday season. Some symptoms of SAD are range from anxiety and loss of interest to depression and insomnia. The most effective known treatment is light therapy which involves sitting underneath a light box.

For the benefit of my SAD stones, I have compiled a short list of self care tips that may help ease the pain. They may be overstated, overused and common tips, but they are effective.

The importance of sleep

Coming from a insomniac I know how difficult it is to get an adequate amount of sleep. Maybe anxiety and depression keep you up or maybe you just can’t turn your mind off. The body needs that recharge period because working until you collapse isn’t healthy and we can’t function properly on 2 hours of sleep. I know, I’ve tried. Seriously though, the body needs to reset and the mind needs to prepare for the stress of life in general because in a world that is ever changing stress is a constant.

The importance of eating right

This is typically coupled with good sleep hygiene. I’m sure that you’ve heard all of this before but this is important. When you aren’t eating right it affects your sleep which in turn affects your mood. Caffeine keeps you going but too much has a long term effect. Some studies show that a lack of protein can lead to psychosis in people with underlying mental health issues. Dehydration can lead to tiredness, irritation, and slow mental functions. The point is that eating right can help alleviate some symptoms.

The importance of taking breaks

Life is marathon not a sprint. As cliche as it sounds, its the truth. If we could all accomplish all of our goals in an afternoon then we’d be well off. Sadly that is not the case. I can only assume that we all want to be successful and have our talents recognized. Working on it nonstop and for hours will not get you there any faster and the burnout will kill all of your drive. Dedication is one thing but burning yourself into the ground is another.

The importance of a support system

I’ve recently been told that you cannot succeed without a support system. I’ve been trying for years to prove this theory wrong. I have failed miserably. I’m sure it’s possible to do but that burnout is a sneaky adversary. Even if you do accomplish a magnificent feat, is it worth it if you are all alone? Surround yourself with people who understand you, who are your biggest cheerleaders, who will check you when you need to be, and who will also lift you up.

The importance of quality time

Going along with a support system, sometimes you just need time alone with your own thoughts. It exerts energy to be around people especially for introverts. Basking in the warmth of the love and support from your loved ones is amazing, but solitude can be too. We must learn to enjoy our own company.

Ther importance of remember why you started

When the weight of being good enough weighs on you, it’s very easy to want to throw in the towel. Who wants to constantly feel consumed by the path that they have taken with no relief, no second to breathe, no moment to turn your mind off. This is when you have to stop everything and remember why you started, remember why you began this journey in the first place, remember when the very thought of your dream stoked the fire inside you. This can be so hard when everything seems hopeless. Remember your why.

The importance of sorbriety

For me, there was nothing better than having a small glass of wine and then sitting down to write a blog post. I’m not much of a drinker but I wanted to be like the stereotype. It never helped. I am not here to tell you not to drink or smoke or be recreational. All I’m saying is sometimes a clear head is all you need.

The importance of professionals

Sometimes we are strong enough to handle things all on our own. Often times, we need help. I am a strong advocate for therapy for everyone. There is a stigma around therapy but everyone needs an impartial unbiased person in their lives to just listen. It could save a life.

The importance of ‘moving your butt’

I think Amy Landino should coin the phrase. Any form of exercise is important. It helps release endorphins. Of course there are many other benefits, you become healthier, happier, and feel better over all. Like Elle Woods said, “Happy people don’t kill people.”

The importance of the pause

I use the app Calm for meditation. Like any meditation app they take you through the deep breathing exercising and they talk about a topic that relates to mindfulness. One of the topics that I remember clearly is about the the pause between breaths. The space in between the breathing that most people don’t even think about. But it’s a constant. One moment where nothing that most people take for granted. I say that to say that in between being busy and productive and the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we need to just pause. We need one second of stillness to recuperate and reassess what’s going on.

Bit of a long one, but I feel like it was definitely necessary. If you’ve made it to the end, I will include a link to Amy Landino’s page because she is awesome and I think that this is the second time I’ve mentioned her. As always I will include a link to my book Scarred and Faceless for all those who are interested in a small poetry collection.

Until next we meet,

S. Hollisway

Amy Landino

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes scars tell all…

Stones,

Last week I talked about suicide and it turned out to a pretty relevant topic that made for a pretty well-received blog post. Today I want to talk about another topic that is sensitive but desperately needs to be discussed:

Self harm.

I think the reason that fewer people take this as serious is because of the stigma of an angsty, “emo” teen slitting their wrist blasting “alternative” music when they don’t get their way. But the issue is so much deeper than that. Self-harm can look like a lot of things. It could range from moderate things like scratching, cutting, burning, and pulling out one hair to as severe as causing broken bones. It varies from person to person but doesn’t lessen the severity.

I remember when I first started cutting. I was around 12 and when my grandmother found out she took me to my pediatrician and told her that I was cutting. I’m not quite sure what my grandmother was expecting but I don’t think either of us was expecting what my doctor said next. She equated cutting to smoking, in the way that they were both addicting stress relievers. Once you get stressed out, you have to do the action again to relieve that stress. She then said that we have to find better-coping skills.

Things went back and forth over the next few years, I had really good months when I’d be fine. Then there were other times where my arm barely had time to heal before I was adding more scar tissue. Things hit a head during one summer but I think the lowest point was having my grandma clean my wounds after I had cut and then fell asleep because I had drained myself of all my energy.

We never talked about that night after that. If we had I wonder how that conversation would have gone. The only thing she ever said really in regards to the subject was that I was going to get an infection. I feel like at that point sometimes I would cut just to prove her wrong. I always used clean razors but cheap never the good one because was a waste of money. Looking back now I can see how easy it would have been. Funny how hindsight is 20/20 when you can look back and realize how misguided you were.

Now at almost 26, I can say that I’ve have self-harmed in a while. Most of the superficial cuts have faded away. I am however left with a very unsightly burn mark a year ago when I couldn’t find any razors. As much as I really don’t recommend self-harm, self-harming out of desperation is even less of a good idea. I’m lucky that this is the only real damage that I’ve sustained after all these years. If I had the chance I’d go back and talk to that confused and traumatized little girl.

A lot of times things like this aren’t talked about. How would one even approach the subject? Typically the times when you have to have these talks an incident has already occurred. How can we take a sort of preemptive strike? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

Until next we meet,

S. Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes the view from halfway down isn’t the same…

Stones,

This very topic fills me with so much anxiety to discuss but it threatens to rip me at my very seams if I don’t. I can only tell you know what I know.

Included in this blog post is the link to a segment of the 15th episode of the 6th season of the American adult animated web television series “BoJack Horseman”.I highly recommend it. If you can get past the very superficial focus that half the characters are animals and the other half are humans and you don’t try to compare it every other “raunchy” adult cartoon then I promise you won’t be disappointed. I could go on and on about how amazing it but I know I’d drop spoilers. But I digress.

Without going into too many particulars, this poem entitled “The View From Halfway Down” talks about the topic of suicide from a very interesting perspective. The character jumped from a bridge and goes from acceptance to terror and regret. Even if you don’t give the show a chance I do recommend at least listening to the poem. It was nominated for a Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Award for Outstanding Animated Program which is quite impressive considering some of the content.

My point, I think, is I wonder if people who have failed suicide attempts share the same sentiments. It’s kind of a final decision if everything goes as planned. How many times do you get to replay the final scene? Rehearsal is one thing but actually replaying the final scene over and over until you get it right is, well morbid. Most would like to believe that one suicide attempt is enough. Sometimes it takes a few to get the point across. Sometimes you get well and the moment passes for good, and other times the curtain closes in finality.

I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’ve had multiple suicide attempts. Most were passive, kind of like swallowing a handful of pills just to see what would happen in my teenage years. Nothing ever came from it. My half attempt that was documented was when I took 10 Ativan to ease a panic attack and that did not go well. Misinformation kills. I thought that benzodiazepines and alcohol was the only way to kill you, but apparently they can relax your chest to the point where you aren’t breathing. My first documented suicide attempt was on August 24, 2014. That date is branded into my brain because this was when I learned how overdosing really worked. The thing with overdosing on medication is that it’s not always instantaneous like in the movies. So once the intense wave emotion led to the act passes and you think you failed once again but overdoses do have consequences especially on the body.

My second documented suicide attempt was on Lithium which is an old school medication with nasty side effects. When used properly blood tests are still needed. This was my view from halfway down. As I stated before overdosing isn’t instant and there will be side effects, some very noticeable some not so much. Lithium was very noticeable. It wasn’t immediate but it definitely hit me like a ton of bricks. For someone suffering who suffered from suicidal thoughts for most of my life, it was a very terrifying and inconvenient time to realize that there was a huge possibility that I didn’t want to die. Not saying that I don’t sometimes still want to end but that experience definitely makes me reevaluate going through with it again. Well, that’s one of the things.

What most people don’t understand about being suicidal until you’ve been suicidal is that no one besides yourself should be the reason you are here. I’ve had people tell me time and time again that I should be here because of this person and that person and think of all the people I would hurt.

First of all, can you imagine how messed up in the head someone has to be to believe that by ceasing to exist that they would be easing the pain of others? I mean someone who genuinely believes this. Now imagine how crappy of a human being you have to be to guilt-trip them into thinking that your needs and wants supersede theirs. Just for anyone who wants to claim selfishness.

Second of all, and most important, it is impossible and extremely unhealthy to make someone else your reason for living. It’s not healthy to tie your reason for existing to another person because no one should have that weight on their shoulders. No one should have to live with that shotgun to their head, feeling like if they make the wrong move then the person they are bound to be liable to call it quits. No one should have to live like that. It’s not fair to anyone involved.

Suicide isn’t a perfect solution. To many, it’s not a solution at all except by definition. People say that things will get better but that’s no guarantee either. When I got back to my dark and twisty place, I think from a very logical standpoint of there’s always a chance I’ll get it wrong. The odds that I’ll end up a vegetable for the rest of my life is pretty strong. In addition to that, there is always a chance that halfway through I’ll change my mind but what if by that point it’s too late and I’ve done too much damage. The last thing I want to do is the struggle in vain. Gasping for air that’s just not there, panicked in alone.

I don’t know, that’s just me and I can only tell you what I know.

I hope I have offered you guys a think piece. Let me know what you think in the comment below.

Until next we meet,

S.Hollisway

“The View from Halfway Down”

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes moms matter…

Stones,

For anyone that is a mother, have you ever been told it’s not about you anymore? Have you been told that it’s all about the baby or the children come first? That your time is over?

Well, let me be the first (or second) to tell you that that is a big steaming pile of crap.

Hear me out!

If you think about it, a child’s first connection is with her mother. They help form their view of the world. So how can you expect them to take care of a child when they aren’t taking care of themselves. You can’t pour from an empty cup. I know I use that saying a lot because it’s true. I have a lot of experience draining myself for the sake of other people.

I remember when I had my son. I was already diagnosed with mental health issues and couldn’t take my medication for 9 months. I was depressed I was suicidal and for most of my pregnancy, I was alone. I was barely coping or keeping it together. I got into a situation with CPS and I couldn’t be with my baby for 11 days. Everyone expected me to be a robot until this situation was over. I wasn’t allowed to go through postpartum or go see a doctor’s determination on what meds I could safely breastfeed on. No one cared. My son became more important.

That’s not to say that he wasn’t important. Of course, he was important. He was and still is the most important person in my life. But how could I be trusted to take care of my son when I didn’t have the time or resources to take care of myself. People are so quick to pick the flower and forget about the roots. Here are some quick statistics for you:

Did you know…

Approximately 70% to 80% will experience, at a minimum, the ‘baby blues’. Many of these women will experience the more severe condition of postpartum depression or a related condition.

The reported rate of clinical postpartum depression among new mothers is between 10% to 20%.

One recent study found that 1 in 7 women may experience PPD in the year after giving birth. With approximately 4 million live births occurring each year in the United States, this equates to almost 600,000 postpartum depression diagnoses.

https://www.postpartumdepression.org/resources/statistics/

I do encourage you to finish the article in its entirety because it does include a lot of helpful information. I also want to inform you that this article was written early in 2019 so can you imagine how those numbers have grown? I can say from personal experience that the mental health field isn’t competent or compassionate towards women. Not all of them mind you, but I’ve encountered enough of them. One time I had a doctor suggest taking Lithium because there was a 1 in 5 chance my firstborn child would be stillborn or serious birth defects. A 20 percent chance was okay with him.

I say all of that to say this. Of course children matter but mama’s matter too. There is no more or less here because I feel as though they are equal. We worry so much about our children, but we need to make sure their moms are okay too.

Until Next we meet,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes “No” is necessary…

Stones,

“No” is a full sentence. Use it.”

-Amy Landino

I have a confession to make: I am a people pleaser.

It has been lessened as I grew older but the tendency is still there. This wonderful tendency results in me putting myself into some very interesting situations.

This makes saying “No” very difficult for me. I always feel like my “No’s” warrant an explanation. But in reality, they don’t. None do.

“No” does not require validation and your reasons are your own. In fact, “No” is essential to mental health.

Think about it. How many times have we spread ourselves paper-thin for fear of using “No” that we couldn’t take on any more? How many times have we been taken advantage of or sacrificed our sanity for the sake of doing more for others that we don’t have the time for ourselves?

You can not pour from an empty cup!

You can not give what you don’t have.

I like to remind myself of this before I put myself in these situations. I like to think that it will make saying “No” easier. Sometimes it does, sometimes I lose the battle. I tend to think in extremes, like black and white thinking. I think that “No” is for extreme cases but the little things matter too.

My recent encounter when I should have used the word “No” early on was on a date that I had. Nothing illegal happened but I definitely should have said no earlier. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I shouldn’t have sacrificed my comfort for his feelings.

You don’t have to spent emotionally or physically to use your “No”. The little “No’s” help build up the confidence for situations that require the big “No”. Then there are no people taking advantage of you and no way to be hurt.

Well, that’s the theory. In a perfect world that’s how pain would end. People wouldn’t be afraid to be vulnerable because when someone would step on a boundary a quick “No” would either end a relationship or the relationship would blossom into a healthy tree of respect. What an easy life that would be.

Until next we meet,

S. Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

The video I got the quote from. Check out the other 34 tips. This video is not sponsored in any way, shape, or form. I am not affiliated with her in anyway, just a fan.

Because sometimes all lives don’t matter…

I feel like I will get so much backlash for this and quite frankly I don’t care.

The latest world events have weighed so heavily on me. I feel like I’ve built up so much outrage that I haven’t been able to articulate and if I don’t now then it’ll spill out of the seams.

Black lives matter. All lives won’t matter until Black lives matter because black lives ARE apart of all lives. Anyone who ignores this fact is racist and fall victim to their implicit biases. It’s not a matter of opinion anymore. It was never a matter of opinion. It was a truth distorted by the loud, strategic oppressor. 

Some people, however, specifically non-people of color, specifically white people, try to discredit this fact because the narrative that is unfolding doesn’t suit their liking. Even while writing this I know that people will claim that I am being racist or biased or that I have my agenda because that narrative suits them best. I am not racist by any stretch of the imagination. I would almost consider myself “racially biased”.

Let’s think about it, shall we?

The definition of the word biased would be, “a particular tendency, trend, inclination, feeling, or opinion, especially one that is preconceived or unreasoned” or “unreasonably hostile feelings or opinions about a social group; prejudice” (dictionary.com).

The operative word in the definition being any derivates of the word “unreasonable”. History and a distinct and predictable pattern of perfidy would make being biased an impossibility. People of color are painstakingly aware of the influence that people in power have. Even more so, they are aware of the power that they wield and we all know that with great power comes great responsibility.

Read the next part carefully.

I am not condemning all white people.

Let me say that again for the people in the back.

I am not condemning all white people.

I am condemning the WHITE PRIVILEGE.

What I am saying is that white people aren’t doing enough to dismantle the systemic oppression that is racism. For all those ignoramuses, yes IGNORAMUSES, that suggests that racism ceased with President Obama or popular black athletes and performers, you are welcome to leave now!

I will not waste valuable brain cells explaining to you the reality of living in white America as a black person when you are clearly the #KarenofEverything.

For those who act as if racism and implicit and external don’t biases exist, I am thoroughly confused. You under that plot of X-men and Zootopia perfectly, but are too dense to see the parallel to life? I find this very highly unlikely.

I have to wonder where the disconnect is. Is it because pro-white means anti-black and people of color so vice versa is the assumption? Is it because the media has helped color your perception of black and other people of color? Is it that you do not experience the very oppression that you are so dismissive of?

Is it the way we protest?

Well, we tried peaceful sit-ins and that didn’t work. We tried Nat Turner’s was and that wasn’t to your liking. Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, Colin Kaepernick, nothing seems to suit you. Maybe it’s the protesting that the real issue.

Whatever the reason, it’s not enough. We are no longer accepting your excuses. We drew the lines firmly in the sand with our bloodshed in the name of being an “American”. Before the oh so familiar idiotic phrase “If you don’t like it, go back where you from” leave your diluted racist little fingertips let me offer a history lesson. The Oppressor captured and brought our ancestors here, emphasis on the word “brought”. No one kept a receipt. We aren’t going anywhere. Your homework is to look up Black Wall Street because our utopia burned down too.

We are now united. Do you want to find out what we can do standing together as one?

Until next we meet,

S.Hollisway

Pick up Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes you are the toxic one…

Stones,

Day 3046 of the Covid19 quarantine: I bought a stuffy. Her name is Elle. She is my only friend.

No seriously though, I hope everyone is being safe, social distancing, masks and all that. I am considered essential so yeah, no break for me. Which is fine because when I’m working thousands of ideas run through my mind.

Some call it ADD, I call it inspiration.

So people can suck. People can be cruel and evil and just plain mean. Hurt people hurt people, this we know. Toxic people are detrimental to the health of those around them.

What happens when that person is you?

Now lower the pitchforks and torches and hear me out.

I am not suggesting that everyone who is toxic is malicious. I’m simply stating that everyone deals with traumas in their own ways. Everyone has been through things and has suffered because let’s be honest, life sucks. Although everyone’s pain is valid, the way we react to trauma can be problematic. It’s not logical to hurt someone because you are hurting. Most people don’t plan on. The issue comes to play when people act as if their pain is bigger and more traumatic or matters more than another person.

We as people don’t get to quantify trauma. It’s not possible and it’s unfair. We also don’t get to mentally and emotionally bleed everywhere. That is misplaced aggression and anger and is also unacceptable. There needs to be a balance between the validation of feelings and respect for others. No trauma trumps any others because we are all different and the same trauma could impact everyone differently.

So my call to action is…

Reevaluate your relationships. Reevaluate your positions in the lives of others. If you find that you are the toxic one, be aware of that. Make a conscious effort to get help to change it.

There was a person in my life that I miss very much. We ended horribly because of me and my actions. I may never get to repair said relationship because of my past traumas that leaked into unaccountability. That’s on me for not healing.

Being aware of you crap and fixing your cap are two very different things.

Until Next We Meet,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless Here

Because sometimes trust is shattered…

Stones,

Good evening as I am writing this after 10:30. Writing is a struggle. Like I love it and it’s my passion but it is not easy. Sometimes I wonder if I even measure up to “actual writers” because I mostly do editorial pieces and I don’t have a super-strong following. But this is my beginning and while building up my consistency, I know that these are the hoops that I have to go through to earn an established writing career and it’ll be well worth it when my words are used to heal people.

But I digress…

The topic of the week is trust. It is such a delegate fragile thing that we take for granted. When flourished it as mighty as an Oak. When broken it’s strong enough to destroy an entire city and the neighboring town. Trust can be salvaged but it will never be the same. It’s like a mirror that has been broken. It can be pieced back together but you can still see the cracks in the reflections.

I’m sure all this information has been regurgitated on one platform or another. Here is something that I’ve been contemplating, how many cracks are enough cracks? When do all the second chances stop? When is the breaking point?

I know I have written previous posts similar but this one has me truly perplexed. When you’ve noticed an established pattern that appears to have no end in sight, what makes you stay? What makes you think that trust can ever be repaired, especially when all the attempts are one-sided?

I speak from a place of pain and experience.

I’ve been in situations where I was giving too many undeserving chances. For the sake of transparency, most of my relationships were like that. Abusive, manipulative, unfulfilling, and one-sided. A good part of my marriage was like that. I often ask myself why I stayed so long.

Misery loves company but suffering doesn’t make you a martyr.

At some point you have to see that a mirror with too many cracks is pointless. It’s impossible to see through it, or a future for that matter.

I say all that to say this…

How many cracks before a mirror is rendered useless? I urge you to take stock of how many useless mirrors you have.

Until Next We Meet,

S.Hollisway

Purchase Scarred and Faceless

My new logo!

Because sometimes chasing dreams and motherhood don’t mix…

Stones,

First of all, I got a new logo that included in the post. Let me know what you think. I think it came out fantastic. It makes me really happy and proud as an author.

But back to this weeks epiphany.

So for those of you who don’t know, I gave birth to a little monster by the name of Oscar. I have talked about him in previous posts more notably my first Odes post here. He is one a very large part of why I am still alive today. I love him with every breath in me. As much as I love him, motherhood is absolutely terrifying.

No seriously, there should be some sort of test because I’m positive that I would have failed. I can honestly say that I have NO idea what I’m doing. I love my little monster and I would do anything for him so he’ll have a better life. But as far as a plan, yeah I’m kind of clueless. My basic strategy is to give him a childhood that he doesn’t have to heal from. That is basically my sole purpose in life.

The only issue with being a parent and especially a mother is that people expect mothering to be your only goal and sole purpose in life. I’m not sad to admit, that it’s not mine.

I have other dreams.

I have other goals.

There are a lot of things I want to do and achieve.

It’s not selfish of me to want to be more than a mother as long as I’m not neglecting my child.

This goes for EVERY mother. You are so much more than just a mother. Don’t let motherhood be your only credentials.

There are so many things I want to do. I am a writer. That is a passion of mine that I want to share with the world. No one should be limited because of a title.

Until next we meet,

S.Hollisway