Because sometimes the view from halfway down isn’t the same…

Stones,

This very topic fills me with so much anxiety to discuss but it threatens to rip me at my very seams if I don’t. I can only tell you know what I know.

Included in this blog post is the link to a segment of the 15th episode of the 6th season of the American adult animated web television series “BoJack Horseman”.I highly recommend it. If you can get past the very superficial focus that half the characters are animals and the other half are humans and you don’t try to compare it every other “raunchy” adult cartoon then I promise you won’t be disappointed. I could go on and on about how amazing it but I know I’d drop spoilers. But I digress.

Without going into too many particulars, this poem entitled “The View From Halfway Down” talks about the topic of suicide from a very interesting perspective. The character jumped from a bridge and goes from acceptance to terror and regret. Even if you don’t give the show a chance I do recommend at least listening to the poem. It was nominated for a Primetime Creative Arts Emmy Award for Outstanding Animated Program which is quite impressive considering some of the content.

My point, I think, is I wonder if people who have failed suicide attempts share the same sentiments. It’s kind of a final decision if everything goes as planned. How many times do you get to replay the final scene? Rehearsal is one thing but actually replaying the final scene over and over until you get it right is, well morbid. Most would like to believe that one suicide attempt is enough. Sometimes it takes a few to get the point across. Sometimes you get well and the moment passes for good, and other times the curtain closes in finality.

I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’ve had multiple suicide attempts. Most were passive, kind of like swallowing a handful of pills just to see what would happen in my teenage years. Nothing ever came from it. My half attempt that was documented was when I took 10 Ativan to ease a panic attack and that did not go well. Misinformation kills. I thought that benzodiazepines and alcohol was the only way to kill you, but apparently they can relax your chest to the point where you aren’t breathing. My first documented suicide attempt was on August 24, 2014. That date is branded into my brain because this was when I learned how overdosing really worked. The thing with overdosing on medication is that it’s not always instantaneous like in the movies. So once the intense wave emotion led to the act passes and you think you failed once again but overdoses do have consequences especially on the body.

My second documented suicide attempt was on Lithium which is an old school medication with nasty side effects. When used properly blood tests are still needed. This was my view from halfway down. As I stated before overdosing isn’t instant and there will be side effects, some very noticeable some not so much. Lithium was very noticeable. It wasn’t immediate but it definitely hit me like a ton of bricks. For someone suffering who suffered from suicidal thoughts for most of my life, it was a very terrifying and inconvenient time to realize that there was a huge possibility that I didn’t want to die. Not saying that I don’t sometimes still want to end but that experience definitely makes me reevaluate going through with it again. Well, that’s one of the things.

What most people don’t understand about being suicidal until you’ve been suicidal is that no one besides yourself should be the reason you are here. I’ve had people tell me time and time again that I should be here because of this person and that person and think of all the people I would hurt.

First of all, can you imagine how messed up in the head someone has to be to believe that by ceasing to exist that they would be easing the pain of others? I mean someone who genuinely believes this. Now imagine how crappy of a human being you have to be to guilt-trip them into thinking that your needs and wants supersede theirs. Just for anyone who wants to claim selfishness.

Second of all, and most important, it is impossible and extremely unhealthy to make someone else your reason for living. It’s not healthy to tie your reason for existing to another person because no one should have that weight on their shoulders. No one should have to live with that shotgun to their head, feeling like if they make the wrong move then the person they are bound to be liable to call it quits. No one should have to live like that. It’s not fair to anyone involved.

Suicide isn’t a perfect solution. To many, it’s not a solution at all except by definition. People say that things will get better but that’s no guarantee either. When I got back to my dark and twisty place, I think from a very logical standpoint of there’s always a chance I’ll get it wrong. The odds that I’ll end up a vegetable for the rest of my life is pretty strong. In addition to that, there is always a chance that halfway through I’ll change my mind but what if by that point it’s too late and I’ve done too much damage. The last thing I want to do is the struggle in vain. Gasping for air that’s just not there, panicked in alone.

I don’t know, that’s just me and I can only tell you what I know.

I hope I have offered you guys a think piece. Let me know what you think in the comment below.

Until next we meet,

S.Hollisway

“The View from Halfway Down”

Scarred and Faceless