This will be my second week in a row posting so for that I am very proud. This will be a stream of consciousness post because life has left me currently uninspired. I have no inspiration. Sadly, I am an artist in a rut. I feel dull, lifeless, and just dead inside. This is awful because life is going relatively well. I just feel myself slipping into this uninspired, noncreative state of being where I am just existing. I’m not quite sure how to get out of it.
My dad had this problem before. My dad is a visual artist. He does tattoos, draws, paints, things of that nature. The problem was that his slump was causing him to drink all day and hid in his room. Getting out of his feelings seemed like an impossibility. A family to another state seemed to cure him. He is back to his “normal” artistic self. (What’s normal anyway?)
THE REAL ISSUE
I can’t pinpoint what my issue is. It might that I’m getting married soon. It might be that I’m too complacent in life right now. Like, okay I get married. Then I’m a wife and someone’s mother. I fear that my identity will end there. I’m working towards getting a job then I’ll just be someones’ wife and mother who works a mundane job. I don’t think I’m ready for that solidarity. That’s not to say life has to be like that. But I crave adventure and I think I need a new challenge. Not to motherhood and wifehood aren’t challenging enough. Life comes with all sorts of challenges. But those challenges involve other people. I need to challenge me and need to figure out who I am and what I want for myself. I love being Oscar’s mother and the future Mrs. Briggs but…I fear it won’t be enough to keep inspired or to keep me thriving. Now, I kind of feel ungrateful or selfish. That’s not a fair or accurate depiction of my situation. I just, don’t want to lose myself and I feel like I’m slowly slipping away.
I’m actually kind of at a loss here. What do I do? If I knew I wouldn’t be in the position now would I? The easy answer is to continue the way I am with life but I feel like that would kill me. No one should live like that. Any tips, comments, concerns? Maybe I should ask my therapist. Well, she doesn’t have all the answers. I could take a trip, a family trip. Or maybe just a long one by myself to a cabin somewhere. I don’t know, I don’t have all the answers. Maybe, oh maybe.
Until next we meet
Bleed and Exist,
Pick up Scarred and Faceless Here