Amongst my family, I am known notoriously for holding grudges. I mean I’m not talking for a few days, I’m talking we live in the same house and I won’t talk to you for almost 2 years kind of grudges. I’m not sure whether that is extremely impressive or very sad. I imagine it could be both.
As “impressive” as it may be considered by some, I’d rather not be [im]famous for holding grudges for decades. I much rather adopt the “Truly Forgive But Never Forget” method.
I’m not a fan of the “Forgive and Forget” method because it’s not effective. This method is a way of using chewing gum to match up a huge whole in a dam that is suppose to be holding back water from a patient in critical condition with an aortic tear being attended to by a first year med student who is putting a band aid on it. As bizarre as that picture is in your head right now, the “Forgive and Forget” methodology is AT THE VERY LEAST twice as ineffective. It encourages the offendees to muddle their feelings and the offenders that “Sorry” will fix anything. So now the offender is faced with being considered “unreasonable” by society’s standards or muddling their feelings to the point where passive aggression leaks put of every orifice of them. It’s a lose-lose situation.
The “Truly Forgive But Never Forget ” method, may not actually be a real thing or it may go under another name. I’m not quite sure. This is, however, what I personally believe in. This method isn’t necessarily easier. It employs a very difficult, abstract idea that goes against what we as society have been programmed to think. This method only works if you use Radical Acceptance, to some degree. Radical Acceptance, isn’t black or white. Radical Acceptance isn’t painting someone as a hero or a villian. Radical Acceptance is simply accepting things as they are for what they are. It is not the responsibility of the offendee to change, help, or condemn the offender in any way, shape, or form. They simply have to accept the situation as it is. Now to be perfectly clear: RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IS NOT, IN ANY WAY SHAPE, OR FORM CONDONING THE BEHAVIOR OF THE OFFENDER!!!! Here is are a few examples in an attempt to clarify:
My mother is abusive and will never change. I accept that. I do not have to be around her and will not subject myself to the abuse.
Casey Anthony was found not guilty of killing her daughter. I accept that. I do not have to nor will I ever send my child(ren) to her.
My son’s father is not a good husband isn’t taking the necessary steps to become one. I accept that. He can be in my sons life but I don’t have to be unneccerily involved with him.
Donald Trump is turning the United States government into a bad reality TV show…..I can’t even address this bs…..
I think I’ve made my point.
I started this specific post months ago, but sparked the inspiration to finish was Kesha. For those who don’t know, Kesha was abused by her producer “Dr.Luke”. When all of this came out, she didn’t want to press criminal charges or want money (to my knowledge and understanding), she just wanted to not work with him anymore. To me that seems more than fair. Apparently, it didn’t work out in her favor. I remember seeing the video of her crying in court when the judge wouldn’t let her our of her contract. It upset me so much, that I couldn’t follow the story anymore.
What was so beautiful to me, was scrolling down YouTube last night and seeing a notification for Praying by Kesha on my feed. What was even more beautiful and uplifting to me was listening to the song and how it wasn’t bitter or full of rage. She was just praying that he became a better person and grew. At first I was livid because I assumed that she had to play the “bigger person” for society’s sake. But that was me projecting my past traumas onto her. She has her voice and she healing. She doesn’t have to smile and put on a show anymore and I’m so happy and proud of her. So, she’s forgiven him. She can never want to work with or see him every again because she does not have to subject herself to any further dehumanization. THAT, is radial acceptance. Thank you, Kesha for showing me that there is a way to heal the soul. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.
Until next time; Make a real connection with someone, Change someone’s life for the better, Forgive to heal your soul
Exist and Bleed,
Scarred and Faceless