Because sometimes is humor is necessary to survive + project plans and update……

DISCLAIMER: Please excuse my inconsistency, I’m going through a few health problems.

Stones,

So my dad and I have a running joke. Anytime our physical wellbeing is threatened (which is quite often then what woul be considered “normal”)  we say that we will get super drunk and wait by the door. Some may find this distasteful or morbid and sometimes it might be very true considering the situation.

Being younger and plagued with intense dibiliating anxiety and PTSD I felt the nurge and need to be prepared for every preceived and impending “DOOM”, whatever it happened to be at that moment. Maybe age, time, and hardships have made me cynical, or I’ve finally developed the tough skin that had been the solution suggested to me since I was five. It depends on whose reading my narrative at the time. Either way, the sky is always falling. (Don’t believe me, how else can you explain how Leverage was cancelled after just five seasons and yet an ignorant, arrogant, unintelligent reality TV Star has been entrusted to run a country.) Seriously, the list goes on and on people. My point being, the days of blissfully burrowing our heads in the sand are over. I’d like to say be prepared, but any parent of a toddler will tell you can never be totally prepared for what an angry entitled toddler is going to do in a day. So we are pretty much royally fucked in that department.  Take everything with stride and a shot of E & J. I mean distruction has to have some high points…like a really huge pretty bonfire.

PROJECT UPDATE:

So here is an update as it protains the actual writing bit of like because I am more than just a vocal skeptic and cynical mother, I write books too 🙂 .  I am in the process of rereleasing my first small poetry collection entitled Scarred and Faceless. I’m just debating if I should self publish again or go through an actual publishishing company. So, yeah I have a huge pro/con list about that. Any seasoned authors any imput would be greatly apperciated.  The second thing that I have been doing is working on the second book, Just Checking In. This is a lot more personal than the first book, which sounds crazy because the first one is poetry, but this is like an explanation as to why I’m so screwed up so…yeah more personal.

 

Until we meet again,

Make a real connection with someone

Change someone’s life for the better

Forgive to heal your soul

Find a way that works for you

Watch the world implode with a drink and a friend

 

Exist and Bleed,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

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Because sometimes a “No” is more motivating….

Stones,

I’ve been away for about 13 days. My dreams of posting a blog every day seem impossible about now. I have reentered into the corporate world. A pointless rat race it may seem like. But regardless of how I feel about it personally, I still have a family to take care of.

So, the track I’ve chosen to go into as my first real “adult” job is sales. I know people who work in sales has a horrible reputation. What I have found out from my current employment is that sales, in general, is just as bad, if not even worse than what people think. Pay is dependent on how much you sell, and the competition is cutthroat. Sales is a grueling business. I suppose that I am one of the lucky ones.

Yes, I too, work in sales. It’s hard work and every day I’ve gone home wondering if I have what it takes to make it in the business. But something, besides supporting a family, has got me up and to the office by 8 am for five straight days last week. It’s the atmosphere. It’s my bosses and coworkers. It’s the fact that every day I go to work with a smile, a notebook, and pen. It’s not that sales matter less at this particular job. That’s not true at all.  Sales are very important, but ringing bell is the top priority.

Friday was my first day in the field. I did not sell one, single, solitary thing. For over 8 hours, I stood outside with my talented and supportive coworkers and did not hear one “Yes”.  When I got back to the office I was super excited. Not for any other reason but for this simple fact: I could only get better from here. All the training leading up to my first day on the field thoroughly prepared me to hear “No” every day for the rest of my life. Striving for the “Yes,  working long hours for the ” Yes”, but can totally handle that “No” which is more motivating than anything else.  Well, almost anything else.

A “Yes” on my first day out in the field would have been amazing. It would have been a first. But it wouldn’t have taught me nearly as much. “No” taught me about patience. “No” taught me to be persistent. “No” taught me the value of a positive attitude and the importance of a strong work ethic. “No” shows me that I have not failed, I have just found a million ways that will not work. I will keep trying until I find a way that works for me.

Until we meet again,

Make a real connection with someone

Change someone’s life for the better

Forgive to heal your soul

Find a way that works for you

 

Exist and Bleed,

S.Hollisway

Scarred and Faceless

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Because sometimes forgiveness is necessary….

Stones,
Amongst my family, I am known notoriously for holding grudges.  I mean I’m not talking for a few days, I’m talking we live in the same house and I won’t talk to you for almost 2 years kind of grudges. I’m not sure whether that is extremely impressive or very sad. I imagine it could be both. 

As “impressive” as it may be considered by some, I’d rather not be [im]famous for holding grudges for decades.  I much rather adopt the “Truly Forgive But Never Forget” method.

I’m not a fan of the “Forgive and Forget” method because it’s not effective.  This method is a way of using chewing gum to match up a huge whole in a dam that is suppose to be holding back water from a patient in critical condition with an aortic tear being attended to by a first year med student who is putting a band aid on it. As bizarre as that picture is in your head right now, the “Forgive and Forget” methodology is AT THE VERY LEAST twice as ineffective. It encourages the offendees to muddle their feelings and the offenders that “Sorry” will fix anything. So now the offender is faced with being considered “unreasonable” by society’s standards or muddling their feelings to the point where passive aggression leaks put of every orifice of them. It’s a lose-lose situation.

The “Truly Forgive But Never Forget ” method, may not actually be a real thing or it may go under another name. I’m not quite sure. This is, however, what I personally believe in. This method isn’t necessarily easier. It employs a very difficult, abstract idea that goes against what we as society have been programmed to think. This method only works if you use Radical Acceptance, to some degree. Radical Acceptance, isn’t black or white. Radical Acceptance isn’t painting someone as a hero or a villian. Radical Acceptance is simply accepting things as they are for what they are. It is not the responsibility of the offendee to change, help, or condemn the offender in any way, shape, or form.  They simply have to accept the situation as it is. Now to be perfectly clear: RADICAL ACCEPTANCE IS NOT, IN ANY WAY SHAPE, OR FORM CONDONING THE BEHAVIOR OF THE OFFENDER!!!!  Here is are a few examples in an attempt to clarify:

My mother is abusive and will never change. I accept that. I do not have to be around her and will not subject myself to the abuse.

Casey Anthony was found not guilty of killing her daughter. I accept that. I do not have to nor will I ever send my child(ren) to her.

My son’s father is not a good husband isn’t taking the necessary steps to become one. I accept that. He can be in my sons life but I don’t have to be unneccerily involved with him. 

Donald Trump is turning the United States government into a bad reality TV show…..I can’t even address this bs…..

I think I’ve made my point.  

I started this specific post months ago, but sparked the inspiration to finish was Kesha. For those who don’t know, Kesha was abused by her producer “Dr.Luke”. When all of this came out, she didn’t want to press criminal charges or want money (to my knowledge and understanding), she just wanted to not work with him anymore. To me that seems more than fair. Apparently, it didn’t work out in her favor. I remember seeing the video of her crying in court when the judge wouldn’t let her our of her contract. It upset me so much, that I couldn’t follow the story anymore. 

What was so beautiful to me, was scrolling down YouTube last night and seeing a notification for Praying by Kesha on my feed.  What was even more beautiful and uplifting to me was listening to the song and how it wasn’t bitter or full of rage. She was just praying that he became a better person and grew. At first I was livid because I assumed that she had to play the “bigger person” for society’s sake. But that was me projecting my past traumas onto her. She has her voice and she healing. She doesn’t have to smile and put on a show anymore and I’m so happy and proud of her. So, she’s forgiven him. She can never want to work with or see him every again because she does not have to subject herself to any further dehumanization. THAT, is radial acceptance. Thank you, Kesha for showing me that there is a way to heal the soul. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.
Until next time; Make a real connection with someone, Change someone’s life for the better, Forgive to heal your soul
Exist and Bleed,

S. Hollisway 
Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes Disney (and Dads’) get it right…..

“I’m not the mistakes that I have made. Or any of the things that cause me pain.” -unknown artist

Stones,

The quote above is from the musical score of a movie that I can not remember for the life of me. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Anywho….

Have you seen the newest Disney movie,  Moana ? For those of you haven’t seen it, you are missing out. For those of you who have, well I think we can all agree that it’s one of Disney’s top 5.  Don’t want to give away the plotline for the poor unfortunate souls that haven’t seen it. What I will say is that the layers in the movie are just amazing.  One of the memorable scenes in the movie is when Moana and Maui finally return the heart to Te Fiti. As with every Disney movie, the climax was so dramatically beautiful. Before replacing Te Fiti’s heart in the spiral, she tells (sings to) her that she knows that they stole her heart but that her being “heartless” doesn’t define her. The situation that harmed her or caused her pain doesn’t define who she is as a person.  

Now where have I heard THAT before….

I met my father four years ago.* When we actually had a chance to talk while we were driving around he says that I was nothing like what my mother describes me as. I was throughly confused. Apparently, whenever they spoke of me it was always about my various health issues. I told him I did have a lot of health issues and he told me that there was way more to me than just that. 

Four years later….

Whenever I come to my dad with issue is typically always the same type of issue. 

Dad, I can’t do that. I’m too [insert insult here]

Awkard

Clumsy 

Funny looking

Ugly

Stupid

Not good enough 

His response is always the same.

Stop all that. Why can’t you?

Yeah, your different from all those other d**kheads out here

That ain’t you, man, that’s other people telling you that s**t.

Okay, so this is your life it’s not a movie. Find a healthy way to cope. 

Alright, you in a funk now but don’t stay there too long. Get on your grind, little man needs you. 

You strong Shae, you got this. I’ll be right here to help anyway I can. Just don’t give up.

A bit hard to argue with, huh? Yeah, I’d say so.  He’s one of those guys where he’s not super menacing just physically. He has a presence though, it’s fills a room and seeps out of the cracks because it’s so powerful. Anything I’m faced with, I’ll go to him to see if I can handle it and there’s hasn’t been anything I couldn’t do.  And when I need a little extra help or motivation, my father is always my wings to keep me going and my son is always the wind beneath them to keep me up.  I love my father. If your reading this, thank you for being here and staying. 

Until we meet again, make a real connecton and change someone’s life for the better.

Exist and Bleed,

S.Hollisway

*In case there is any confusion, the dad mentioned in this post is not my bio-father.  But he’s been here consistently and blood couldn’t make us any closer.

Piece by piece he collected me up off the grown where you abandoned thing. Piece by piece he filled the holes that were burned in me at 6 years old and you know, he never walks, he never asks for money, he takes care of things, he loves me. Piece by piece he restored my faith, that a man can be kind and father can stay.

-Kelly Clarkson

Scarred and Faceless

Because sometimes inspiration comes from modern day conventionalism….

Stones,

I’ve probably been writing my entire life.  I was always told that I should make a living off of my craft; that I should write full time and focus solely on writing as a solid career choice.  That has to be one of the most frustrating things for any artist to hear.  Being an artist in itself is a very frustrating profession.  Whether you write, draw, paint, sing, design clothes, dance, tattoo, act, or any other artistic medium, the artistic process can’t be rushed.

I’m sure a lot of people won’t understand, especially with the recent speed of music being put out, clothes being sold, books being written, videos being published, tattoos being designed, etc.  There is a difference between mass production and artistry. That’s not to say that the artist isn’t  happy with what they mass produce. Actually, I can’t speak for all artist because every artist and every medium is different and so is each individuals process to approaching their art. I can only speak for me.

In my opinion, the purpose of mass production is for financial gain. In addition to loving to write, I also enjoying crocheting in my spare time. For me, it’s not just about the finished product. It’s the process of studying the pattern, picking out the perfect yarn color and perfect yarn weight. I love seeing an afghan, a hat, or a teddy bear slowly but surely being stitched together beautifully. If I decided to sell my crocheted goods, I would no longer be making them for me, but for customers. I’d be going off of their color choices, their yarn types, their designs. I’d no longer be watching my own creation come to life, I would be creating one for someone else.  The quality wouldn’t slip but the my “character”—-or something more dramatic—-would be missing. The same would be with writing. I’ve written papers, poems, and short stories for school. They were written well enough to get good grades, but it lacked my “character”. No, not “character”,  my Essence. An Essence of me that would give the piece…sentimental value, if you will. I don’t know really, I’m an artist and we are all dramatic nature and craft.

I say all of that to say this; I can write if I have to. But to write when I’m inspired, to write because someone else story is burning inside of me; to write because my voice isn’t loud enough to scream; to write because the words I pen could help someone heal; that is the most indescribable feeling ever.  The process is raw and messy and challenging and gut-wrenching but on the other side, it’s peace. Even it only lasts a few fleeting moments, the mere thought is steadying.

Until we meet again, make a real connection today. Change someone’s life for the better.

Exist and Bleed,

S. Hollisway

 

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